Step 06: Face Yourself

By Jessica Walsh

Part 1: A Trial Period For Parenting

Recently, I’ve found myself judging and critiquing parents. The man at the checkout counter with a screaming toddler (get your kid in line). The lady who is scolding her daughter for getting an A- instead of an A+ (relax, helicopter mom). The mom of the out-of-control son throwing toys at me as I’m trying to sleep on a red-eye (shouldn’t I be able to throw the toy back at him?).

I usually chalk these incidents up to bad parenting. I assure myself that when I have kids I’ll be the best mom ever. I’ll fix all the mistakes my parents made, I’ll read all the latest parenting blogs and books, and my kids will be the best-behaved, best-fed, best-dressed little humans.

But recently, the idea of having children has become a more imminent reality. I am approaching 30 and just got married last year, and our friends are popping out children left and right. The question of when Zak and I are going to have kids comes up all the time. I’ve started to realize what everyone means about your biological clock “kicking in,” as I feel my body screaming “Get pregnant!”.

On a more rational level, however, I’ve started to become very anxious about it all. And if I am honest with myself, I’ve likely started to judge parents because deep down I’m scared shitless about becoming a mother.

I don’t even know where I got the idea that I’d be a good mom, as I don’t know the first thing about taking care of kids. I’ve never even babysat for an hour. The more I think about it, the more anxieties I have about it. I worry if I have kids I’ll put too much pressure on them, because I generally have way too high expectations of myself and people around me. I also worry about my work schedule, and not being there enough for my future kids at all. Plus, there are many days when I feel like I can barely handle my own life, let alone be responsible for another person’s.

I also have worries about how it will affect my life: Will it hurt my career? Do I really want to give up my freedom to travel? Will it be too much of a financial strain ? I just found out the average cost of raising a kid in NYC is over $500,000, which is absolutely insane For further reading: Life Hacker Gothamist . I also wonder if its the best use of my time and energy, versus my personal non-client creative endeavors that I do on nights and weekends? Then I feel guilty and wonder: Is it selfish to worry about my own freedom and career? On the other hand, I argue with myself: Isn't it equally as selfish to bring another child into this overpopulated world?

I even worry that with talks about designer babies being around the corner, maybe I should wait to see whats going to happen For further reading: MIT Technology Review: Engineering the Perfect Baby The Economist: Editing humanity . I don’t want my child to face disadvantages in life if he/she is part of the last wave of us normal humans whom will be inferior to a new super intelligent human species that could develop. Okay I know that last one is going to sound crazy, and I admit all these irrational worries are likely a mask for the deep insecurity I feel:

Am I cut out for parenting at all!?

As I was overthinking all this, it dawned on me that there should be a trial period for parenting. Isn’t it kind of crazy to commit to a very permanent life choice without before trying it out first?

So, I’ve decided to try this out: I am going to fly in my nieces Audrey and Evelyn from California and try to take care of them in New York City with my husband Zak next week. As I have never so much as baby sat a kid for an hour let alone entire days and nights, I am scared shitless as to how this is going to go, or what is going to happen.

Luckily, Audrey and Evelyn have great parents. These girls are just about the cutest and well-raised kids you could hope for. The only thing I’m worried about is that like most children, they’re very high energy. Given that we have no experience taking care of kids, this could be a total disaster.

Will we be able to keep up with them? Will we learn something from this? Will this make me want to have kids or will it make me swear off having children forever? Wish me luck….

Part 2: I Know Nothing About Children

As the days narrowed in on Audrey and Evelyn’s visit, we got this email from Zak’s brother, about the girls:

This made me go into panic mode. Their visit was only days away and I realized I had no idea what you’re suppose to do to with kids in this city. Where could I let them run around, are there enclosed parks? Are you allowed to bring kids out to all restaurants or only specific ones? What do they eat? Can I take them shopping? Do kids like shopping? Can you take them in cabs and just buckle them in on your lap, or do we need car seats? What the hell does butt wiping mean? Are they still in diapers?! What age do kids stop wearing diapers?

Part 3: The Experiment

A Trial Period For Parenting

I faced my fear of becoming a mother.

A few things I learned from my trial experiment in parenting:

1. I don’t know how parents can do this 24/7/365 for 18+ years.
2. I don’t know what parents did before iPads (it allowed us at least an hour of peace each day).
3. I don’t know how you can get kids to do what you want without constant bribery.
4. I should probably never have children.

Recent comments

Adanne García

Mar 03, 2016 02:23

You will be a wonderful mother! It sounds like from reading this you will have kids, you seem to want them deep down. You and your husband will make beautiful kids, just saying :) :) :)

Fiona

Feb 18, 2016 04:26

Another lovely post that hits home. I am reading all these out of order but I feel like I relate to you so much Jessica.

Read all comments

Okay, sort of kidding about the last one, but it’s been a seriously tough week. The girls left me with a flu, sleep deprivation, and a very deep worry that maybe I would be a bad mother.

What happened? Most of the plans I had outlined in the last post were thrown out the window as the realities of taking care of the girls’ needs in the moment conflicted with all my over-ambitious schedules. They required constant attention: chasing them when they’d run away from us or hide from us, carrying them down subway stairs, getting them to eat three meals a day, keeping them excited about activities for more than five minutes… The list goes on and on.

Getting them to do things they didn’t want to do, like sit quietly for five minutes, required constant bartering and bribery, which is likely not a smart method but Zak and I didn’t know any other way to control them. We were totally desperate. The briberies we made usually involved some sort of food: If they were good, they could have chocolate, donuts, or candy. This worked temporarily but made things worse late at night when they were sugar high and opted to watch the same episode of Dinosaur Train on repeat instead of sleeping. I realized after that in our haze of sleep-deprivation and being totally overwhelmed, we had gone three days without showering them or making them brush their teeth! I was extremely naive to think I’d be good at this whole parenting thing. I was making mistakes every other moment.

To be fair, we also had a lot of fun. I can’t remember the last time I smiled so much. They constantly made me laugh: Picture the world’s cutest four-year-old shouting “I GOTTA GO POOPIE DO YOU” at a goat in Central Park Zoo, or them bragging to every random stranger they met about going to see the Statue of Liberty. It also made me feel like a kid again, skipping on the street with them, eating candy, riding all over Manhattan in a magic dinosaur time machine (that’s what they thought the subway was). And at night, when they were too scared to sleep alone and wanted me to hug them until they fell asleep, my heart melted. It felt really nice to be needed. And after they left, I found the silence and calm I normally love to be lonely. I missed them.

I thought this trial period would help me learn whether I want kids or not, but I am more conflicted than ever. I knew it was going to be a lot of work, but the constant demand of physical and mental energy that went into keeping the kids entertained, happy, fed, safe, and clean was way more than I expected. So there are days now where I feel sure I don't want kids as it's clear to me now that there is no way I could manage a child without compromising my career and lifestyle in a major way, and on top of how this experiment proved that I’m not very good at taking care of kids!

However, other days I wake up and feel a deep sense inside me that I will become a mom one day soon, and I don’t know why I keep wavering back and forth each day on what I want. I've read maternal desires are formed from long-standing social and cultural pro-natal influences, but I don’t think thats it, its not like I'm one to conform. I have plenty of older friends who plan to never have children, so its not like I'd feel left out. I feel no pressure from my husband, he's fine if we never have children. The urge could be some kind of unconscious biological urge to replicate my genes, but I think its not that either, as I am also really interested in adoption.

So what is this deep inner sense telling me to become a mom? I guess its because when I talk to friends who are parents, despite how tired or overworked they are, they almost always say its one of the most incredible and transformative experiences in life. While it seems like it could be one of the hardest and sometimes the most unrewarding / underpaid jobs in the world, It seems like it could be one of life's most exciting challenges to learn how to provide a healthy and fruitful environment for a child upbringing, to help them grow and help discover themselves and understand their joys and fears or their talents, so that one day they can be a productive member of society and give back to the world in their own unique way. I also feel like a child would help me keep growing and learning myself.

Perhaps my biggest takeaway from this experiment is a deep respect for parents everywhere. It made me think of my own childhood. I pulled out my photo albums from when I was a kid, and suddenly all the photos took on a different meaning. Seeing photos of my family out at restaurants, my mom cooking for me, my family on vacations, at the park, visiting the zoo, those ridiculous amazing outfits my mom dressed me in: I now have an appreciation of how much time, money, and energy went into each of these moments. It made me feel a little guilty for my lack of appreciation.

I called up my mom afterwards and asked her how she did it. How did she clean my butt, chase me around, and then put up with my craziness during all my teenage years when I'd yell "I hate you", and still love me incessantly? She said the unconditional love of a mother is something you can’t explain. That when I have a kid of my own, I’ll just know it.

That might be a few more years away (if ever!). However, I do know that next time a child is throwing a tantrum, tossing toys, eating too much candy, or smelling like they haven’t bathed, I will never again judge their parents. And I’ll never again take my own for granted.

Part 4: Make Your Own Step

We'd love for you to participate in this 12-step journey with us. We often judge people by hiding behind our own insecurities. Step six is all about facing those insecurities head on. Comment below or tag #12kindsofkindness on social media and let us know your stories. We'd love to hear them!

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